


those voices in my head

by kingofembers



Category: Be More Chill (sort of), Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Sort of? - Freeform, also this is really short its maybe three pages lmao, dutch!evan, evans squiop pretends to be connor and it fucks up evan mentally, evans squip is kind of the worst, evans squip is the actual WORST SO, psychological abuse, squipped!evan, witch!evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingofembers/pseuds/kingofembers
Summary: “Stop pretending to be him! Stop making him hurt me, please!"[A squipped!Evan au that I've been developing with people in a discord chat]





	those voices in my head

The house was empty, and for once Evan wished it wasn’t. 

At one point in time, Evan savoured being alone because it meant there was as little as possible that could spike his anxiety. He could move around the house freely without feeling like he was being any sort of a burden. And yet now he was staring at his phone, which remained quiet even though he was staring at his messages screen. 

 

[To: Connor; 20:31]

[I’m sorry]

[I don’t know what I d id I’m sorry]

[Im iss you]

[I’m sorry I don’t know wha t I did wrong]

[I dont know why you hate me]

[please please please i just need to know what i did]

[im sorry]

[what did I do wrnog]

[im sorry]

 

Evan felt bile crawl into his throat. It was almost nine at night, half an hour after he had sent those messages. Connor used to respond to him immediately. 

_ “He hates you, remember?” _

Hot tears stung Evan’s eyes and he tucked his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and dropping his head, frame shaking with the exertion it took to not cry. He was just so tired. It was bad enough that Dutch made him feel queasy, but now he was afraid of getting shocked whenever he so much as looked at his gardens. The supplies for his craft were tucked in a box under his bed, kept away with lock and key that the SQUIP kept safe by shocking Evan whenever he tried to touch it. 

Evan hoped Jeremy was okay. 

Evan wished Connor was here. 

Evan wished had never gotten this god forsaken machine in the first place. 

_ “Well, that’s not very nice.”  _

“Please stop.” Evan curled up tighter and then startled as he heard the crack of something breaking. His head shot up and he looked towards his window, where the sound had definitely come from, but there was nothing there. 

“--van.” 

Something that felt like hands touched his back and arm and Evan felt panic well up in his throat. A strangled, garbled noise escaped him and he flailed. He slapped his hands over his mouth and then burst into tears, heavy sobs shaking his body as he curled up and tried his best to hide from the feeling of something touching him. 

“Evan, holy fuck, calm down. It’s just me.” 

Evan wailed, trying to curl into himself as something forcefully restrained his wrists, and Evan felt the SQUIP at the edge of his consciousness. He wanted to curse in Dutch, scream something at it, but his body was torn with the pain of electrocution as soon as the idea of Dutch surfaced. It was Connor’s voice that he was hearing. The SQUIP was perched on the very edge of his vision, flickering in a way that only Evan could really see, and Evan strained against whatever was holding his wrists. 

“Leave me alone!” Evan screamed, desperation and terror in his voice. “Please…” 

The restraints were gone and Evan curled into himself, fingernails digging into his skin. 

“... Fine.” 

Connor’s voice again. The SQUIP looked amused, watching something that Evan couldn’t see. 

_ “OPTIC NERVE BLOCKING; OFF.”  _

The words flashed across Evan’s vision and then there was Connor, halfway through Evan’s window. 

“...Connor…?” There was a brief moment where his boyfriend was looking at him, blue eyes wide at the recognition. He stopped from where he was perched, one hand gripping the windowsill, and Evan saw the SQUIP flicker into his view, one hand resting on Connor’s shoulder, and Evan lost it. His sobs grew worse, fingers raking through his hair and grabbing fistfuls, yanking hard because if it was pain it was  _ real _ , and nothing felt real anymore. 

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” Evan shrieked, in absolute hysterics. “Stop pretending to be him! Stop making him  _ hurt  _ me,  _ please _ !” 

“Evan.” Connor was moving towards him and Evan had never moved faster in his life as he scrambled to get away. He was afraid that if Connor touched him he would get shocked, because the SQUIP had been doing this more often. Taking the form of Connor and then hurting him; saying nasty, cruel things in Connor’s voice that sent Evan spiralling into hopelessness. Connor had a knee on the edge of Evan’s bed, eyes wide as he watched Evan back himself into a corner and essentially tear out his hair. Evan wasn’t sure if he had ever hit that point before, but Evan was in hysterics. He was babbling in a weird mix of English and panicky, warbled Dutch that provoked zaps that felt like a rubber band snapping against his back. 

“Just. Please, I’ll do what you… whatever you want, just. God, just stop using him to hurt me.” Evan curled up tight. “Just… please. Go---go away.”

“... Hansen…”  Connor was looking at him in a way that the SQUIP never could, and he stepped back. “I’ll… I’ll check in on you later.”  

Evan could barely hear over the buzzing in his ears, and he just whimpered as he hid his face. When he looked back up, Connor, or the SQUIP, or whatever it had been, was gone, and Evan was left alone. Alone with new burns that would become scars, and the darkening hopelessness of his thoughts. His sobbing slowed to whimpering, and then to silence.

Evan shakily reached for his phone.

 

[To: Jeremy; 21:18]

[Bridge on Thursday.]

 

There was a buzz from his phone.

 

[From: Jeremy; 21:19]

[Deal. Can’t even write a note.]

 

[To: Jeremy; 21:19]

[Me neither.]

 

[From: Jeremy; 21:20]

[thursday?]

 

[To: Jeremy; 21:21]

[Thursday.]

**Author's Note:**

> \--> First off I should be writing for talk too much but I was inspired to do this instead (whoops)
> 
> \--> Also someone in my discord group really likes French!Jeremy and it prompted me to think about Dutch!Evan. Also Evan practices witchcraft. This is so self-indulgent lmao.


End file.
